I'm a PC. And I'm miserable.

i’m a PC - and i do boring, ordinary, every day things. please make me an operating system that works like I do. make it boring, ordinary, and lacking in innovation. oh, and let is SHRED my hard drive on startup, too…i LOVE that. oh, i almost forgot! could you make it somewhat stable until about 3 months of heavy usage — then let all the applications start colliding in registry hell. oh and let it take 5-10 minutes to boot up then, too. that’ll give me time to drink the crappy office coffee before i can actually do any work